By Jackson Moran ’21
We’re in an election year and the final vote is coming up really quickly. There are so many things to dislike or hate about this election, so in the spirit of levity and in the absence of brevity, I present a list of “would you rather” questions, instead of my regular list of admittedly useless and wholly subjective favorite things. Enjoy a much better, much more agreeable decision just before you make the all important decision on Election Day. I would be interested in hearing your choices and reasoning (or complaints) so feel free to shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org or my alternate email email@example.com. Finally, if you are eligible to vote this year, be sure that you do so and that you arm yourself with knowledge before you enter the polls.
- Would you rather fight one hippo-sized hamster or ten hamster-sized hippos?
- Would you rather pay an exorbitant price for school lunches or pay an even more exorbitant price for school lunches? (Your answer to this one may be collected by Michael’s Culinary Solutions to aid with market research)
- Would you rather use hand sanitizer as maple syrup for a day, or maple syrup as hand sanitizer?
- Would you rather cover everything you eat in ranch dressing for the rest of your life, or would you rather take a bath in ranch dressing once every week, forever?
- Would you rather spend two days in space, or two days at the bottom of the ocean? (Bonus question: If you could bring anyone with you, who would you bring?) (Bonus Bonus Question: If you could leave anyone behind purposely, who would you leave and why is it Jeb Bush?)
- Would you rather sleep under the Eller building staircase, or go to online class for a day alone in the Romley hall basement?
- Would you rather traverse the Sahara Desert with an irremovable rock in your shoe or sail the Atlantic Ocean with an irremovable splinter in your hand?
- Would you rather meet your greatest hero, but your fly is down for the entire interaction or meet your greatest hero with your shoes noticeably on the wrong feet?
- Would you rather slip a disc in your lumbar vertebrae or keep reading these columns? (Note: I will keep writing them, even if my audience is myself and Mr. Jake Kelly ’09, who finds so much happiness in critiquing stupid humor)
- Would you rather read The Roundup over The Wrangler or read The Roundup over The Wrangler?
I hope these questions are able to help ease you into a pensive, thoughtful state before you make other, (arguably) more important decisions come Election Day. Everything you decide here could hypothetically come up later in life, so I hope it is comforting that you now have the answers to some of life’s questions already ironed out.