Entertainment

Shakes and shame, exploring the shortcomings of March

THE ROUNDUP

Column

By Cooper Parson

Alrighty, look at that, we made it. It’s time for when we celebrate “green” the holiday, the gorgeous celebration of St. Patrick’s day! Someone thought to themselves, “Well, February got a holiday, so I guess March needs one too.” It’s the holiday of potato shaped candy no one asked for. One whose “representative” is stranger than an old dude in a red fur suit who breaks into your house and judges your actions through the year to determine what you deserve: fossil fuel or an iPod. That’s right, I’m talking about the leprechaun, that little Irish monster that shares a characteristic of the Treasury Department. The holiday that lets us know that at the end of that gorgeous rainbow is an aggressive, top-hat wearing man who also moonlights as a football mascot. Here are The Roundup’s St. Patrick’s Day Favorites:

Getting pinched for not wearing green

Violence against people who pinch you for not wearing green

Spiders

“Leprechaun In the Hood”

The one time of year the color of Tempe Town Lake is “festive”

Driving a knife into the back of a Shamrock Shake to celebrate“The Ides”

“Leprechaun 4: In Space”

People who get sunburnt by the moon

“Leprechaun 6: Back 2 tha Hood”

The only time it’s acceptable to text me from your Android

The superiority of Pi day as a holiday

The box of cereal Lucky Charms put out that one time that was all marshmallows, and we’re just going to pretend that’s a balanced breakfast and not the yellow brick road to diabetes.

There you have it, the best St. Patrick’s day has to offer. I know you must be asking yourself if there was really no better holiday for me to write on. The answer is no, March is just lackluster and has so little to offer that the 26 of March is literally Make Up Your Own Holiday Day. So, on March 26 I will be celebrating March Sucks Day. We’ll eat turkey, invite family into town, get the day off school, open presents, get candy from strangers, send each other chocolates in boxes shaped like internal organs and all the other fun things we do in months with real holidays.

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