Well, boys and girls, it’s that time of the year again. The smell of cheap perfume and cologne in the cold winter air along with the notion that everyone needs a date. Yes, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day. I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve never been on a date. I’ve thought about it, laughed about it, and cried about it more than anything, but I’ve never actually been on one. What do I do instead? I’ve spent that time mostly being alone, but also watching movies and reading the ingredient list of heart shaped chocolates. While binging these movies, I picked up the trait of crying myself to sleep. But, on a more joyous note, I picked up some pretty good date night tips. I’m a pretty good person so I’ll share some of these with you, but don’t expect me to share them all. These are mine after all. So sit back, think about your life choices, and enjoy my tips on how to give you the best Valentine’s date ever. 

1. My first tip is to wear a dark shirt. If you get hot and you’re wearing a light shirt then it will scare your date away and I don’t want that for you. 
2. Get some good sleep the day before. If you seem even remotely tired, it’s not a good look. Trust me, ok guys, I would know. 
3. Go to a not so fancy, but still fancy restaurant. It’s a high school Valentine’s day date, it doesn’t have to be all that fancy but you can’t go so informal that they get upset. 
4. Only speak in French. It is the language of love and from what I know, which is very limited,  people love the way French people talk. Also, the food, if you can bake croissants, then it’s already a good date.
5. Bring a pet as an icebreaker. If they like pets, which everyone should, then it’s sure to be a conversation starter. If not, then it can be emotional support for the end of the date. 
6. Chocolates are a must-have. I suggest the See’s candy heart-shaped ones. They have a long ingredient list which means you’ll have something to read at the end of the night.
7. Make sure they aren’t just a variant of yourself from another timeline. This could cause a split in the main timeline and we don’t want that now, do we?
8. Pull a Phineas and Ferb. If you don’t get that reference then you should just stop reading. 
9. Create a treasure hunt for the Holy Grail. It doesn’t have to be a good one or the real one, but it’s a fun activity that you can share. And if you get the chance, get some coconuts and make horse sounds. Or throw a cow out of a catapult. Your choice. 
10. When you drop them off at home, make sure to leave with a one-liner, like “You Leonardo DiCaptured my heart.” 

I think I may have slipped there at the end but they still count. I hope you enjoyed my collection of date night tips. You may or may not hear from me again, but if you ever want some tips, I’m usually around looking for what’s left of my broken heart. Until then, I hope your date goes as well as these date night tips went and doesn’t fail like the “Eternals” movie. To everyone going on a date, have a happy holiday. And to all the single broskis out there, in the perpetual words of Sonny and Cher, “I got you babe.”