The Student News Site of Brophy College Preparatory

Brophy Roundup

The Student News Site of Brophy College Preparatory

Brophy Roundup

The Student News Site of Brophy College Preparatory

Brophy Roundup

Battle Royale 2024 Edition


ROUND 1 (Left Side)

Matt Smith V. Steve Smith 

Mr. Smith, armed with his knowledge of conflict in the modern world, looks forward to his confrontation with Mr. Smith, who was bolstered by his army of Wrangler writers. Mr. Smith prepares by making sure that every Wranglerite has a quill of bad jokes, while Mr. Smith reads reaffirming statements on his Instagram. The battle begins when Mr. Smith charges Mr. Smith into Mr. Smith’s room. Mr. Smith and Mr. Smith engage in a legendary flex-off, but in the end, the writers forgot which Mr. Smith they were talking about, and Mr. Smith won by default.

Mazolinni V. Brubaker

Mr. Brubaker, armed with paint brushes and buckets, goes to the second floor of Piper to confront Mr. Mazzolini. Mr. Mazzolini, however, has done his research and knows the chemical composition of the paint. When Mr. Mazz sees a suspicious trail of paint on the second floor of Piper, he follows it while simultaneously destroying the paint with his own counter-paint. But in a surprising turn of events, the trail was just a trap, and Mr. Brubaker never planned on using this weapon. Unprepared for the bait and switch, Mr. Mazz is easily defeated.

Reasy V. Doud 

“Know your enemy and know yourself,” Mr. Reasy reads from Sun Tzu’s The Art of War as he prepares for battle. Knowing Ms. Doud’s fanatic love for Iron Man, Mr. Reasy makes himself an Iron Man suit in his woodshop. Mr. Reasy advances to Ms. Doud’s room to launch his hidden attack. Ms. Doud is in awe. Mr. Reasy/Iron Man motions for her to follow him. Ms. Doud is so entranced by Iron Man that she doesn’t notice she was led to the Romley basement. Iron Man motions for her to wait, and then leaves and doesn’t return. Mr. Reasy takes the win by default when Ms. Doud doesn’t show up to the fight.

Toshner V. Burns

Burns receives an email in his inbox about the upcoming fight. In preparation, he drinks straight diet pepsi syrup from a Harkins cup and blasts traditional Irish music. Toshner hears his fight song and decides to call the Dean’s office which makes Burns turn the music down. Without the luck of the Irish granting him strength, Toshner is easily able to defeat Burns giving her the W.


Round 1 (Right Side)

Kleintime V. M. Welty 

Mr. Welty enters Brophy campus to prepare for his ultimate battle with Mr. Kleine. However, little did Mr. Welty know that Mr. Klein had been on campus since Period 0 getting ready for this very moment. Mr. Klein launches his attack, attempting to bore Mr. Welty to death by regaling him with all the inconsistencies within the yearbook spreads. However, Mr. Welty easily counters this by challenging Mr. Klein to an academic battle. The two engage in a game of jeopardy, and Mr. Welty’s immense knowledge of everything academic overwhelms Mr. Klein, leaving him prone. With that, Mr. Welty takes the win this round.

Londoño V.  Pidgeon 

Mr. Pidgeon, sure that he will destroy Mr. Londoño as he is the top dawg at Brophy, heads on to face his opponent. To Mr. Pidgeon’s surprise, Mr. Londoño anticipated this and has the music video of Pidgeon’s high school band displayed on every possible screen. Shockingly the video only strengthens Mr. Pidgeon who air-guitars Mr. Londoño into oblivion. Mr. Pidgeon is the winner.  

Grindey V.  Molitor 

Ms. Molitor prepares her battle by doing a SPACECAT analysis of the rhetorical situation of the battle. However, before she can finish, Mr. Grindey makes his move. He begins his attack, catapulting freshman scripture benchmarks at Ms. Molitor. As an AP Lang teacher, Ms. Molitor cannot help but rhetorically analyze every benchmark. Overwhelmed by the lack of rhetorical devices and poor freshman grammar, she is left immobilized, giving Mr. Grindey the win.

Aston V. Turby

It was a normal late start Thursday. Ms. Turby was pulling into the South Lot to park, but Mr. Aston was suspicious that she did not have a carpool so he decided to camp out in a bush to stake her out. Seeing no carpool and only a sticker, Mr. Aston promptly gave Ms. Turby a Saturday jug and called to get her car towed. Running after her towed car, Ms. Turby gets disqualified for leaving campus during school hours. 


ROUND 2 (Left Side)

Brubaker V. Toshner

Knowing she has to beat him at his own game, Toshner challenges Brubaker to a swim race on the roof of the Robson Gym. Knowing the capability of his sweet sweet skills, Brubaker takes up the challenge and prepares for the race. He heads to the top ready to destroy his opponent only to be met with the reality that there is no pool on the roof of Robson. Brubaker is defeated by his own ignorance leaving Toshner as the victor 

Matt Smith V. Reasy

Mr. Reasy prepares for his battle in the woodshop by listening to Billie Eilish (it was a Wednesday). He decides to reuse his Iron Man suit from the last round and leaves for battle early in hopes to catch Mr. Smith off guard. However, Mr. Reasy forgot about Mr. Smith’s biggest advantage in this battle: his advanced skills in blacksmithing, of course, which he has because his last name is Smith. When Mr. Reasy faces Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith uses his smithing powers to easily take apart Mr. Reasy’s Iron Man suit. With his only plan foiled like aluminum, Mr. Reasy runs away. Mr. Smith wins.

ROUND 2 (Right Side)

Aston V. Grindey

Mr. Aston and Mr. Grindey both walk up to the BSC football field when they see each other on the same touchdown zone. They decide that they will race each other in suicides. In a magnificent gazelle sprint, Mr. Grindey begins to run at Mr. Aston. Because running with slip ons is not the smartest decision, Mr. Grindey slips numerous times which allows Mr. Aston to walk across the street into Xavier math department to calculate his winning probabilities. He calculates 100% but he forgot to carry the 1. Either way Mr. Grindey is unable to run to the other side and Mr. Aston wins the race and the round.

Pidgeon V. M. Welty

Using his incredible intelligence and clever thinking, Mr. Welty concocts a plan to defeat Dean Pidgeon. Mr. Welty uses lab materials from the now-defeated Mr. Mazzonlini to create a potion. He drops it off in Mr. Pidgeon’s office, writing him a note that says that it’s a potion that will reduce aging and let him detect no-belt students from a mile away. Mr. Pigeon, assuming good intentions from the kindhearted man, takes the potion. When Mr. Welty sees a comically large pigeon leave the campus a few hours later, he knows that he has won this round.


ROUND 3 (Left Side)

Toshner V. Matt Smith

It was the weekend before the big fight. Mr. Smith was resting and preparing for his battle at the start of the week, when suddenly he got a Canvas notification. Ms. Toshner had assigned him a 500 problem Quest on a Saturday! Thinking that Mr. Smith would be overwhelmed and brought to tears by the early surprise attack, Ms. Toshner thought her victory to be sealed. However, when she came in on Monday and saw that Mr. Smith had completed ALL 500 problems, she was flabbergasted. She now had to go through every single problem to check his work to make sure he would get a 5 on the AP exam, because those AP graders are tough. Ms. Toshner was too busy to show up to the fight, and so Mr. Smith passes to the next round.


ROUND 3 (Right Side)

Aston V. M. Welty

Believing his potion concoction strategy would work twice, Mr. Welty brewed a potion that would turn Mr. Aston into a vertical asymptote. During the teacher meeting on a late start Thursday, Mr. Welty sat next to Mr. Aston and planned to throw the potion on him. However, Mr. Aston was suspicious and asked everyone to spread their desks out. Seeing his opportunity falling away, Mr. Welty awkwardly threw the potion at Mr. Aston, but it was too late – he was out of range. Then, Mr. Aston threw Mr. Welty like a javelin and punched his ticket to the finale.



Aston V. Matt Smith

Fresh off his victory, Mr. Aston is confident that he can vanquish Mr. Smith. Mr. Aston and Mr. Smith meet on the roof of Eller to enhance the drama of their final battle. Mr. Aston, knowing Mr. Smith’s Kanye/Taylor Swift rule, interrupts Mr. Smith as he prepares to launch his first attack. Distraught with flashbacks from the 2009 MTV awards, Mr. Smith is taken aback and falls to the floor in disrespect. Mr. Aston, confident now that he has won the battle, begins to walk away from his fallen opponent in classic villain arc fashion. But he has forgotten that Mr. Smith is Mr. RELENTLESS. Mr. Smith dons his 2012 Super Power Sneakers and jumps back to his feet. Caught off guard, Mr. Aston doesn’t know how to react. Mr. Smith jumps towards Mr. Aston, but does not attack. Instead, he simply holds his sneakered foot in front of Mr. Aston’s face. Mr. Smith’s Super Power Sneaker overpowers Mr. Aston and he falls unconscious. In his rookie season, Mr. Matt Smith is the champion of the 2024 Battle Royale.

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